TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from place. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A different put where American Males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: present Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the task, replied, "You recognize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the Trump Tower Damascus https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort wherever my PTSD may have switch-down support."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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